Some Irish jokes for you...
Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St. Patrick's Day.
Mick, the bartender says, "You'll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy."
Paddy replies, "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then."
Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. "Shoite" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off.
He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face, "Shoite!" He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine.
He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face.
"Bi'Jesus... I'm fockin' focked," he says. He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.
He takes a look up the stairs and says "No fockin' way", but he crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says "I can make it to the bed."
He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says "Fock it" and hauls himself up into bed.
The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, "Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?".
Paddy says, "I did Jess. I was fockin' pissed. But how'd you know?"
She replies, "Mick phoned ... You left your wheelchair at the pub.
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Murphy applied for a fermentation operator post at a famous Irish firm based in Dublin. An American applied for the same job and since both applicants had similar qualifications, they were asked to take a test by the Manager. When the results were in, amazingly, both men had only one wrong answer.
The manager went to Murphy and said, 'Thank you for coming to the interview, but We've decided to give the American the job.'
Murphy, 'And why would you be doing that? We both got 19 questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish surely I should get the job.'
Manager, 'We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed.'
Murphy, 'And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?'
Manager, 'Simple. On question number 7 the American wrote down, 'I don't know.'
You put down, 'Neither do I.'
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Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Seamus, were stumbling home from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard.
'Come have a look over here, 'says Paddy, 'It's Michael O' Grady's grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87.'
'That's nothing, 'says Sean, 'here's one named Patrick O' Toole, it says here that he was 95 when he died.'
Just then, Seamus yells out, 'Good God, here's a fella that got to be 145!'
'What was his name?' asks Paddy.
Seamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker and exclaims: 'Miles, from Dublin.'
And a old Irish blessing:
Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St. Patrick's Day.
Mick, the bartender says, "You'll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy."
Paddy replies, "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then."
Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. "Shoite" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off.
He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face, "Shoite!" He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine.
He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face.
"Bi'Jesus... I'm fockin' focked," he says. He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.
He takes a look up the stairs and says "No fockin' way", but he crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says "I can make it to the bed."
He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says "Fock it" and hauls himself up into bed.
The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, "Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?".
Paddy says, "I did Jess. I was fockin' pissed. But how'd you know?"
She replies, "Mick phoned ... You left your wheelchair at the pub.
-------------------------------------------------------
Murphy applied for a fermentation operator post at a famous Irish firm based in Dublin. An American applied for the same job and since both applicants had similar qualifications, they were asked to take a test by the Manager. When the results were in, amazingly, both men had only one wrong answer.
The manager went to Murphy and said, 'Thank you for coming to the interview, but We've decided to give the American the job.'
Murphy, 'And why would you be doing that? We both got 19 questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish surely I should get the job.'
Manager, 'We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed.'
Murphy, 'And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?'
Manager, 'Simple. On question number 7 the American wrote down, 'I don't know.'
You put down, 'Neither do I.'
--------------------------------------------------------
Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Seamus, were stumbling home from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard.
'Come have a look over here, 'says Paddy, 'It's Michael O' Grady's grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87.'
'That's nothing, 'says Sean, 'here's one named Patrick O' Toole, it says here that he was 95 when he died.'
Just then, Seamus yells out, 'Good God, here's a fella that got to be 145!'
'What was his name?' asks Paddy.
Seamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker and exclaims: 'Miles, from Dublin.'
And a old Irish blessing:
May the road rise up to meet you.
May the wind always be at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face, and rains fall soft upon your fields.
And until we meet again, May God hold you in the palm of His hand.
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