Trick Question About 9/12 Stumps Giuliani

Rudy Sputters at Town Hall Meeting


GOP presidential frontrunner Rudolph Giuliani stumbled badly at a town hall meeting in Iowa last night when an audience member baffled him with a trick question about 9/12.

Mr. Giuliani, who has made references to 9/11 the foundation of his campaign for the Republican presidential nomination, was “like a deer in the headlights” when the surprise question about 9/12 came his way, observers said.

The former New York mayor had been cruising through the town hall meeting up to that point, answering a wide range of questions about immigration, the economy, and global warming, all by referring to 9/11.

But the tone of the event changed abruptly when one audience member, Tracy Klujian of Cedar Rapids, asked the GOP frontrunner, “Can you name one thing that happened on September 12?”

Mr. Giuliani seemed taken aback by the question, clearing his throat and drinking from a glass of water as if to buy time before responding.

“That’s a good question,” Mr. Giuliani said. “September 12 happened one day after September 11 -- and we must never forget the lessons of September 11.”

Mr. Giuliani’s aides later said that their candidate had expertly parried a difficult question, but also offered excuses for Mr. Giuliani’s apparent failure to refer to any other date besides September 11.

“The man has a lot of dates to keep track of,” one aide told reporters. “For one thing, he’s had three different wedding anniversaries.”

Elsewhere, President Bush eulogized Washoe, the chimp who had a 250-word vocabulary, issuing this official statement: “Me miss Washoe. Me sad Washoe dead.”


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Pat Robertson Says Giuliani Presidency Appears in Book of Revelations

Rudy Would Usher in Biblical ‘End Days,’ Evangelist Says

One day after endorsing former Mayor Rudolph Giuliani for president, televangelist Pat Robertson explained his decision, saying that a Giuliani presidency features prominently in the Book of Revelations.

In his endorsement announcement the day before, Rev. Robertson had made reference to Mr. Giuliani’s tenure as “America’s Mayor,” but did not indicate that the Republican frontrunner was a key player in the Bible’s most apocalyptic book.

In his statement today, however, the televangelist made it clear that “in order for the Second Coming to occur, the world needs to end, and Rudy Giuliani is just the man for that job.”

Rev. Robertson said that he was “confident” that within weeks of his inauguration, Mr. Giuliani would usher in the “end days” that are a staple of Bible prophecy.

In praising Mr. Giuliani, Mr. Robertson had critical words for the current resident of the White House, President George W. Bush: “President Bush got us on the road to Armageddon, but it’s taking too darn long -- Rudy Giuliani will put us in the express lane.”

While the Giuliani camp initially welcomed the endorsement of the influential evangelist, the former New York mayor seemed less enthusiastic today about being identified as one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.

When asked by a reporter in Iowa about Mr. Robertson’s comments today, Mr. Giuliani replied, “9/11.”

Elsewhere, former Beatle Paul McCartney confirmed that he is dating a Metropolitan Transportation Authority board member, explaining, “Since my divorce from Heather, I’ve had to start taking the subway.”

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‘Benefit From My Experience,’ President Tells Pakistani

Bush Gives Musharraf Tips on Eliminating Democracy

November 4, 2007

In what he described as “an emergency mission to help a key ally in the war on terror,” President George W. Bush flew to Islamabad today to give General Pervez Musharraf tips on how to eliminate democracy.

Mr. Bush said he scheduled the trip just hours after General Musharraf declared a state of emergency in Pakistan and suspended elections “because when it comes to eliminating democracy, I thought my friend Pervez could benefit from my experience.”

Speaking to reporters aboard Air Force One, Mr. Bush said that while he commended General Musharraf’s impulse to eliminate democratic institutions, he felt that the military strongman was going about it the wrong way: “When you’re getting rid of democracy, the last thing you want to do is tell people you’re doing it.”

Mr. Bush said that eliminating such things as privacy, freedom of speech and the constitution had to be done “very quietly and stealthy-like.”

“If I had gone on TV one day and just ended democracy like Pervez did, I would have caught holy hell from Maureen Dowd,” Mr. Bush chuckled. “You’ve got to be crafty about these things.”

Mr. Bush chalked up Mr. Musharraf’s decision to disclose the elimination of democracy as a “beginner’s mistake,” adding, “I’ve had six-plus years of practice at this.”

He also criticized the Pakistani dictator’s firing of the chief justice of the Supreme Court: “Trust me, if you’re going to get rid of elections, a Supreme Court could come in handy.”

Elsewhere, astronauts spent Saturday morning repairing a solar panel on the International Space Station, then spent the rest of the day drinking and stalking ex-lovers.

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Supreme Court Gives Gore’s Nobel to Bush

Stunning Reversal for Former Veep
October 14, 2007

Just days after former Vice President Al Gore received the Nobel Peace Prize for his efforts on global warming, the United States Supreme Court handed Mr. Gore a stunning reversal, stripping him of his Nobel and awarding it to President George W. Bush instead.

For Mr. Gore, who basked in the adulation of the Nobel committee and the world, the high court’s decision to give his prize to President Bush was a cruel twist of fate, to say the least.

But in a 5-4 decision, the justices made it clear that they had taken the unprecedented step of stripping Mr. Gore of his Nobel because President Bush deserved it more.

“It is true that Al Gore has done a lot of talking about global warming,” wrote Justice Antonin Scalia, writing for the majority. “But President Bush has actually helped create global warming.”

Even as Mr. Gore was being stripped of his Nobel, he received strong words of support from Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton, who said that the former vice president’s Nobel win “shows that he is devoting his life to the right thing and should definitely stay the course.”

In an interview with reporters in Iowa, Sen. Clinton said that “Al Gore should remain dedicated to the cause of global climate change, at least through November of 2008.”

Sen. Clinton suggested that Mr. Gore could further research the source of global warming by immediately boarding a rocket ship to the sun.


www.borowitzreport.com

Mandela still alive after embarrassing Bush remark

[LaVeda here: This sounds like a joke, but it is not. You can't make this stuff up!!]

JOHANNESBURG, Sept 21 (Reuters) - Nelson Mandela is still very much alive despite an embarrassing gaffe by U.S. President George W. Bush, who alluded to the former South African leader's death in an attempt to explain sectarian violence in Iraq.

"It's out there. All we can do is reassure people, especially South Africans, that President Mandela is alive," Achmat Dangor, chief executive officer of the Nelson Mandela Foundation, said as Bush's comments received worldwide coverage.

In a speech defending his administration's Iraq policy, Bush said former Iraqi President Saddam Hussein's brutality had made it impossible for a unifying leader to emerge and stop the sectarian violence that has engulfed the Middle Eastern nation.

"I heard somebody say, Where's Mandela?' Well, Mandela's dead because Saddam Hussein killed all the Mandelas," Bush, who has a reputation for verbal faux pas, said in a press conference in Washington on Thursday.

Jailed for 27 years for fighting white minority rule, Mandela became South Africa's first black president in 1994. He won a Nobel Peace Prize for preaching racial harmony and guiding the nation peacefully into the post-apartheid era.

References to his death -- Mandela is now 89 and increasingly frail -- are seen as insensitive in South Africa.

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Bush Pays Surprise Visit to Reality

President Calls Two-Hour Stop in Real World 'Informative'

President George W. Bush departed from his planned itinerary on Labor Day to make a surprise visit to reality, later calling the two-hour stop in the real world "informative."

For Mr. Bush, the visit to reality, while brief, was still significant because it represented his first visit to the real world since being elected President in 2000.

"The President has not visited reality the entire time he's been in the White House," one aide said. "The closest he's come is watching 'Survivor.'"

Mr. Bush touched down in the real world a little after dawn, delivering a brief address on the airport runway in which he attempted to put the best face on his relationship with reality, a relationship which has been frayed in recent years.

But beneath the smiles and positive statements, Mr. Bush's aides seemed well aware that the President's relationship with reality is complicated at best, since his approval rating in the real world currently hovers at an all-time low.

"The President deserves a lot of credit for making this visit to reality," one aide said. "He doesn't have a natural constituency here."

On the whole, though, when the President's two-hour visit was over, most of his staff seemed relieved that the potentially perilous tour of reality had passed without incident.

"It'll be good leaving reality and going back to Washington," one aide said.

Elsewhere, after a new study showed that only one in 1,000 Americans knows what the First Amendment is, Vice President Dick Cheney said, "Good, then no one will notice when it's gone."

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